Sunday, May 6, 2012

.: Importance :.

I guess I'll start with an I'm sorry...

I've been lost and this hasn't been recent either, I've been living in this place for sometime. 
My emotions have been uncontrollable recently and it seems like I'm losing my mind with each passing day. The   days keep moving and slowly I can feel death's grip tightening on my heart. Am I scared? I've come to the conclusion that yes I am. Not of death but of what will happen after. What will happen to the friends I leave behind? The family I hold so dearly? The moments I want to see and the dreams I wanted to become a reality? What will happen when I'm gone? I'm not sure but I can only hope they will be fine. The only people I can actually find the courage and trust to talk to them about this tell me not to think about it much but it's not that simple, when pain is a constant reminder how can it not come to mind? I've had a recent conversation with of the most important people in my life, he is my everything, he is my best friend. I told him that I worry about what may happen when I'm gone and he said something along the lines of we'll be fine without you. I don't know why but at that moment my heart sank. He didn't intent to but I felt like someone just stomped all over my heart, will I be that easily forgotten? I've been feeling alone and unimportant for a while now and hearing it from him just made me lose it but it gave me time to think and in that time I've realized that I've treated him so bad and I'd like to say I'm sorry. I understand you're busy and I need to stop being so selfish, you really mean the world to me, how can't you? You're there when I need you and you make me happy when I'm sad. You make me feel like I matter and that my existence isn't pointless and meaningless. What I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry for the way I've been acting recently and it's only because I've missed you so much and still do. But I know you don't have much time to yourself so I'll leave you to it. I love you a lot and that hopefully you're not mad at me anymore and if you still are that you will forgive me. I know you'll miss me and I think it's time I stop dwelling in this place, I need to move forward with my life and not sit here wasting my time and I guess that what you and the other one have been trying to tell me. Thank you for always being there, and I can't wait to tell you that face to face. I love you my serbian and always will (: 

forever yours, 
The mexican...

Sunday, February 26, 2012

.: The Unread Letter:.

Its been a year and baby I'm sorry, You know how much I love you...

         I tend to dwell on the memories we made, some make me smile, others make me cry and some make me shake in fear but no matter what we endured I still find myself loving you. Was it fate that caused our meeting? Destiny? Who knows, all I know is that I'm glad we met. Was it meant to be this way? Was the novel we created supposed to end like this? When I'm alone my mind can't help but gravitate back to you, and when I do I find myself questioning us, like you said "We aren't like anyone else" that much I know for certain. I can't find the words to explain how much I am grateful for the things you did for me, you freed me from the daily torture I endured at the hands of the coward who thought it was fine to break my shell, you held my hand through the many breakdowns I've taken, you've given me a shoulder to cry on when I felt my God had forsaken me, you've given me refuge from this fucked up reality and open your heart to me and let me find a place in it to call my own. You've given me so much, you've sacrificed so much for me, you've literally taken a hit for me, I owe you so much. You taught me so much, I can defend myself now, I'm strong enough to stand on my two feet and throw away the many mean words that humanity has barked and howled at me. I knew you loved me too but it wasn't the same kind of love I had for you. Just like you made me feel like I'm your everything I felt like I was nothing, you contradicted yourself so many times and the times you did are forever burned into my mind. Even when we weren't together I never tried to get in the way of your relationships (even when you told me you loved me) I was fine with things staying the way they were even if you saw me as your "brother" because you meant so much I didn't want to lose you. But you didn't have to hurt me the ways you did, I could have lived without seeing you kissing them, telling them you cared for them, you telling me how you enjoyed them oh so much, dedicating our song to them, if you wanted me to show you I cared you should have asked me not cause me so much pain. I know your life wasn't easy but you didn't have to take all your anger out on me  you didn't need to yell. You made me go through hell sometimes, I honestly didn't need those insults or comments about my appearance I'm not perfect, you knew I was damaged. Somewhere down the line I lost the trust I had for you, when you cheated on me I knew that we weren't meant to be like this and that you didn't love me that way, even though you swore you would prove me wrong you never got the chance to because life didn't give you enough time. Our last conversation is recorded into my mind, I can hear your voice so clearly and then the tears run down my face, you were my everything and when you left this earth a piece of me died, you helped build the person I am today, I love you so much and it's time I move on like you told me to but I don't wanna let you go, but it seems I have no choice huh? Perhaps you never forgot her, it's okay. I've written all I wish I could tell you. I needed this closure, goodbye my best friend, I love you no matter where you are, you'll always have a place in my heart that will forever be yours. -K.R.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

.: What happened? :.

We move forward, step by step, pace by pace and suddenly I look up and you are ahead of me. I try to catch up, I run and yell yet you turn away and keep walking. Then your out of my line of sight and I fall to the floor. I cry and let out a scream of anguish, of loss. Left breathless, I struggle to survive. My lungs filling with this silence, with this madness that runs up my veins and injects pain into my very being, heart and mind lose control. Now I'm sinking, yes. Slowly sinking deeper and deeper, your voice? I hear nothing, just a grey sky and enough sadness to cause the heavens to weep with me. This loneliness only fuels my already going disease, I'm up to my mouth with quicksand, the sand fills my lungs. Now that you can't save me you turn, and now that I am gone you weep. Now the same silence hurts you, now you know what you put me through...
This story is all metaphorical and what have you, but when you keep secrets from me, you hurt me more than anything. Answer me this, what did I do to lose your trust, your kindness or honesty? What happened?

Monday, January 16, 2012

..: One Year :..

It seems like only yesterday that we met and I couldn't be happier, we have been through so much but we've supported each other through the heaven and hell his world has to offer. I remember the notes and the late night IM's they mean so much. I love our sing alongs even though it's mostly you singing. There isn't a day where you can't make me smile or can't brighten up my day. Your words of kindness mean so much to me and even though sometimes I blow it off I really take them to heart. You're so important to me and I'm pretty sure you have no idea how much but yes you are! Whenever I feel my world falls apart I always know I can fall on you and that you'll be my pillar of strength and you'll be my star when my sky is as dark as coal, you're my best friend and I would't change anything about you, because to me you're perfect just the way you are, though my eyes you're flawless (I know I'm being cheesy but it's true) youre there for me when most people turn away or leave me there to drown in my misery but you, you give me a hand to grab and a shoulder to lean on. Despite distance we've become so close and I dream of the day that we will get to meet face to face (hopefully you wont be disappointed of me) you're a piece of my heart and if anything happened to you I'd lose my mind. Even though we come from separate worlds we seem to impact each others lives. I love you, you're so important Filip. Happy one year<3

Monday, January 9, 2012

..: Its Not Easy :..

Loving you
Is it worth it?
Worth anything
Am I
A waste

Sunday, January 8, 2012

..: And All That Was Will Be Nothing More But Dream :..

Dark smoke, the scent of decay filled the air, as she sat there in a place pondering "Does your hesitation match mine?" she shook her head, "No I'm afraid I'm mistaken". Her dark eyes filled with tears, strong faces "I won't cry here, I won't cry for him" she whispered over and over to herself on that dusty old park bench. Shaking there in the cold she heard a noise and quickly raised her head to find a familiar face hovering above her own. "I'm sorry I was late, things came up and I...I'm sorry" he said with a cheesy grin, "it's fine, it always is..." she spoke, the tears began to stream down her face, "what's wrong?!" he asked while grabbing her by the shoulder trying to comfort her. With a weary expression she looking upon him, staring through his eyes and into her own, "im...I'm so sorry..." she quietly said "for?" he said with worry. "I... I can't remember your face....its a blur, I somewhat remember you but it seems I can't recall who you are or at least your not who you say you are...." the boy responded with a cocky laugh, "haha, It's me! You're best friend!!! Come on we talk all the time" "Used too" she quickly corrected. "What do you mean? You have priority" "I had priority, now we only talk when you're not busy" she replied with a blank look in her eyes "You used to tell me everything, now I'm not so sure... I don't feel like your equal, I feel like I'm kept in the shadows, like an abandoned project that you'll get back to 'one day'". He stared "You know that's not true, I'm always there for you" "correction you try to be there, and I appreciate it" she voice was gentle "but recently I've felt you far away, mentally gone. Like not even my words faze you anymore, like I'm becoming nothing on your eyes" tears streamed down her face like a river but she stayed quiet for a brief moment. "I know you're busy and it's not your fault that you are, but I can't help feeling this way, and it seems that every time I try telling you you change topics or move around it, despite this you know I love you but sometimes I feel you don't care at all, I know you do but sometimes I don't feel it. You hide your thoughts from me, when I ask you how you're feeling I feel you putting on a mask" the boy stayed quite. "I've been gone..." he said with a serious expression, "then take me with you, don't leave me here guessing or thinking what's wrong, sometimes I'm gone too but I take you with me, I close off and hide but at least you're not left in the dark..." she replied her voice becoming distorted by the mixing emotions coursing through her body, "I'm sorry" he replied, looking down at the floor while kicking dirt, a single tear running down his face. She stood up from the dusty park bench and gently lifted his face and smiled "There's the face I remember, that's the face of my best friend, please don't hide anymore". She grabbed his hand and he said "Where are we going?" "Anywhere, it doesn't matter, let's go home".

Sometimes it's the little things that matter. Sometimes we just need to know where we stand in the eyes of the people that matter.

Since we'll never talk about it at least it could happen in my dreams...

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

.: Black as Space :.

It's 2:52am and I'm waiting for the sun to rise on a new day, hoping this feeling of sadness and loss fades away with the night. I have no reason to feel this way, when our eyes first met your heart was black as coal if anything was done to change that, well maybe I just gave up and now my ghost is up against the morning sun. I cringe and my screams are only responded with eternal silence. As I gaze at my moral figure, casket closing on my corpse I noticed you moved on, like a drowing man gasping for air I can't stand it and I turn away. We keep torture in our hearts, we just can't let go, I'll hunt you down and haunt your dreams, I'll strike you at night when your heart isn't guarding the door. Through the field of burning trees and over the river tinted with my tears. This curse is really haunting me. When we meet will your hesitation match mine? Will you smile or will you shake with anticipation? Your eyes shine like the sun while mine are dark as space. Don't worry with any luck I'll just be a bad memory. A rebel angel lost in purgatory, I can't see where I'm headed I've lost track of where I've been. Until the day my eyes will remain forever closed, until the morning sun rises on a new day when all this fades away into the dark side of the moon.